Christmas, family and pain.

We had a really nice Christmas, with the Wilsons and Schapper boys and their wives, plus Mom, at our house for Brunch on Christmas day. It was so fun to see all of them and also to have my kids all together on that day. I didn't ever get the house completelyl decorated, but it looked nice, so that will have to do for this year. I wish we lived closer to the Wilsons. Dave and Shelley are fun to hang out with. They left today, taking Mom with them. She said she had a nice time and was glad she came. I am glad she came, too. Even though the weather and the cold prevented her from going out at all, it was better than her sitting home alone for the holidays.
My knee is quite sore, especially by the end of the day. But, I think I can do the Opera. If I am really careful and don't do too much walking and take my meds on time, it should work. I see the surgeon again today and am planning on letting him know how displeased I was with his PA and his attempt to inject my knee. He ended up injecting it, but then told me he had no idea where the cortisone went and doubted it would work. My question is: Why would he inject something into my joint if he didn't know where it was going and why didn't he get someone else to do it if he couldn't do it? Because he went ahead and injected it, it limits my options for treatment until I can have the surgery, after the opera. It just seems like poor practice and poor patient care on the part of the PA. But, I am still limping along, literally and figuratively. Tonight we start again with rehearsals and go almost daily until the end of the run. It's the slippery slide I have referred to in the past. Wheeeeee!!!!!!

Yucky day

I am feeling really crappy today. My left knee hurts on the inside when I walk, I can't find my wallet, my neck hurts and mostly, my heart is really irregular and I feel breathless and some pressure in my chest. I am also feeling very overwhelmed with Christmas and my house not being decorated, although I am almost finished shopping. Back to my heart thing. In the past, when it has gotten really skippy, I don't take Synthroid for a day or two and that seems to fix it. One of the symptoms of too much thyroid can be an irregular heart. Last week, it was terrible, so I didn't take any Synthroid on Tuesday and Wednesday. By Tuesday night, I could feel a difference. But, since I need thyroid, I started back on Thursday and have felt pretty good, except my knee, since then. But last night it was skipping again a little and today it's bad. I have an appt. with the Ortho guy for my knee tomorrow and got an appt. with the heart guy on Thursday. I probably won't take thyroid tonight, so hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I hope we can get this figured out. But when I feel this way, I get morbid thoughts about dying from heart problems. With my wallet missing today, I am just about ready to go, rather that try to figure out where it could be and if I need to cancel credit cards, etc. It might be less complicated if I just died. At least for me, I guess. But I would miss KC and seeing my kids live their lives, so I guess I need to stay here longer. When I feel this way, I really, really wish I didn't have to work as much as I do. I sometimes think Dana thinks I am joking when I say that this stress is taking years off of my life, but I am not joking. I really feel like the stress is taking a toll on me.

French, opera and me

I have had a couple of days off in a row from my day job, so I am trying to get Carmen memorized. It's so hard. I have studied and studied, but still, it isn't there. The music part of the process isn't hard, but the language...and trying to memorize it....so difficult. But I think my pronunciation is pretty good. I sort of pride myself in having good diction and pronunciation. But I still tend to speak French with a Spanish accent. Who knew that the word "le", which is "lay" in Spanish, is "luh" in French. But the plural, les, is "lez". Why wouldn't it be "luhs". Every morning, I lay in bed with my iPod, listening and singing with the music. But I still need my book. By Monday, I need to be out of the book, but I may be using note cards. That is more acceptable at this point, but then, soon, no note cards, either.

The dregs of my family

Well, I have witnessed the dregs of some of my family members. And all over a stupid rivalry between two universities and their football teams. The thing that hurts me is that somehow, according to some family members, I have personally taken all of the fun out of the rivalry for them and I am a bad example to my own children. I think it is interesting how some people can side-step any responsibility and push blame onto others. And how they don't have sense enough to stop before they say hurtful things. I am also guilty of this, but I really try to consider my words before hitting the send button. In the past two weeks I have been told that I am immature, told that I am a poor example, preached to in the name of President Monson and been told that I am ruining relationships in my extended family. I guess I am really a bad person. I suppose I should be proud that I have so much power over the lives of others, but somehow, I think I am related to some immature and arrogant people. Sometimes I wish I didn't live in Utah. I was told at work today that I am such nice lady and how much this person likes to work with me. And on facebook, one of my own relatives tells me that I have attacked his brother personally, called him names on facebook walls and made fun of him behind his back, none of which is true. None of it. So, polar opposite evaluations from people on the same day. Wow, what a day. I think I will listen to Carmen and go to bed. :(

Update

I am hearing that everyone is worried because I am depressed. It's weird, because I don't feel depressed, just act that way. So, maybe I am not depressed, just lazy. I have decided that Facebook games are a tool of the Devil. I waste hours in front of the computer, playing stupid games. There is a social aspect to them, especially games like Farmtown and Farmville. I talk to my friends at work about our farms and cafes. But, today, I am just wasting time. I need to read the flylady postings more and facebook less. Or, I need to practice self-control and just step away from the computer. So...on that note, I am going to take a shower, get dressed to the shoes, eat lunch and make a list of what I need to get done today. LIke practicing Carmen. P.S. I love that I have learned to put cute borders on my blog site.

It's official

It's official. I have figured out what is wrong with me. I am depressed, despite taking antidepressants for years. My house is a mess, I have unfinished projects all over the place, my car is filthy, the yard is slowly dwindling into a state of shabbiness and I just want to stay in bed or be on the computer, on facebook, playing games. It's my 55th birthday and I feel like my life is close to worthless. My contact lenses bug me, I have back pain and neck pain that won't go away and I can't seem to figure out how to get out of this huge mess. So I retreat into bed or the computer. See, here i am, instead of getting dressed and getting SOMTHING done before the football game, I am on the computer. So, now I am going to take a hot bath and try to pull myself together for a few hours. I keep saying I need some time off from work, but on my days off, I just sleep in and do nothing, so I might as well go to work and make some money. If anyone wants to help a middle-aged, overweight woman try to pull her life back together, email me.

Macbeth is over:(

It's over! Today was the last performance and while I won't miss climbing up and down the stairs for awhile, I will miss the music and the association with the cast. It was a fun experience, even the 10 lb. witch costume. But, Carmen rehearsals start on Nov. 2nd, so I won't have much time off. I will get some photos online soon.