P.S., I hate this new format. I used to have a blog page that was decorated with wall paper, but NO, the computer nerds just can't leave well enough alone. They must be the same bunch who run IMC.

The problem, as I see it, with maintaining a blog site is that is takes time. Lots of time. That's one reason I don't keep a regular diary, because when I get to bed, I want to go to sleep, not write for an hour. The Magic Flute ended today. It was much more fun than I thought it would be. I worried for almost a year about the set, but I did fine on it, even though it is the most raked set I have set foot on and multitudes of steps. I just told myself that when we went to Canyonlands, I did fine on the sandstone, so this was just like that. It helped ease my concern. And I avoided drinking a lot of caffeine on the days of the performances, to avoid dizziness. I didn't get dizzy so that was good. I really enjoy working with that group of people. I don't see all of them each opera, but in a season, I usually see most of them. They, as a group, are bright, funny, interested and engaged people who are so talented. I tell KC and Ruthie that Grandma plays dress-ups with these people and it's fun. It's true. The weather is supposed to be pretty good this coming week. It snowed twice last week. Ick. I am ready for spring. So, this is my quick entry for today.

I had forgotten about this blog site. I don't think anyone ever checks this anymore. Since I posted last my mother died, I have had 2 more grandchildren born, changed my job and our dog died. Hmmmm...Lots of changes in about 3 years. Life just goes on, I guess. I have been having issues with...depression, I think. The weather in January was awful. I think it was the worst inversion/smog I have ever been in. I just haven't had the drive to exercise, clean my house, clean my car, cook, clean up after Christmas. The tree is in it's box, sitting in the living room. I put it up, decorated it, undecorated it and took it down and put it in the box. I don't know when I am going to get it through my thick head that if I want something done, I have to do it myself. If I want the bathroom cleaned, the bed linens changed, walls painted, yardwork done, it's up to me or it doesn't happen. We went to Tori's Wind Ensemble concert tonight and I was bored. I am bored with my life. We are starting rehearsals on The Magic Flute with the opera and I am looking forward to that, because it is never boring. But sometimes, I just want to go somewhere new and start a new life, and find new friends and a new man friend. Maybe this is my late midlife crisis. Or depression. I heard an interview with Kris Kristofferson and he mentioned something to the effect of, as he has gotten older, that he has more insecurities than he did as a younger man. I wonder if that's what getting older is about. Not being confident but unsure of yourself more and more. Oh my gosh, that would be like reliving my adolescense. What a drag that would be. Well, it's getting late and I am tired and I still have to put the clean sheets on my bed. I need a wife but I can't afford to pay one.

So much has happened in the past month

My goodness, so many things have happened since I posted last. I found out I am going to be a great-aunt and a Grandma again, my mother almost died, my sisters and I had a little "reunion", sitting around Mom's bed, watching her sleep and counting her respiratory rate. She is doing better, but it's only a matter of time. I got to really think about what it will be like when she is gone and I will miss being able to pick up the phone and calling her. Although, right now I can't really do that either. She is pretty weak and talking tires her out. Plus, I always seem to call when she is sleeping. I will miss her when she goes, but she has lived a long and good life and she wants to go.
Dave and Kristen are having a GIRL!!! I am so excited for them. KC is so cute and he will be a good big brother. We had a nice Easter today and Mike even came. It was really nice having all of my children here at once.
I work tomorrow, so this is a short note. Gotta get my beauty sleep.

This and that

I am supposed to be at church right now, but here I sit. I worked almost every day this past week and on my day off, I had a staff meeting at IMC, so not really a day off. I have today off, and not again until this Wednesday. It seems like I work a lot, but I am getting more 8 hour shifts, so I am not as exhausted at the end of those days. I need to do laundry and clean house and figure out grocery shopping, but instead, I am going to get ready for church and go, in a few minutes. I went to choir practice and I really don't like ward choirs. I have opera friends who feel the same way, so I don't think I am unique in this. I hate singing schleppy songs in a schleppy way. Our current director is a school teacher, so I thought she might be better than the last director, but, bless her heart, she is too intimidated to really get down and make us sing well. The best ward choir I ever was in was in San Ramon, with Randy Favero as the director. He was fun, but made us sing well. He really wanted a professional sound and we worked hard to achieve that. It didn't hurt that he was really easy on the eyes, either. But it was his passion for the music that made the difference. Oh well, I guess that kind of experience is rare in the church, where it is a volunteer organization.
I am tired of the wintery weather. Every few days we have a nice day, but then it turns cold and gray again. We need the snow, but I am ready for it to fall in the mountains and let us have some spring. The daffodils and tulips seem to think spring is coming, so I need to have hope, too.

Today

Today was our Stake R.S. Education Day. The speaker was C. Terry Warner and he had some interesting things to say. I can't remember everything, but one thing that he talked about was seeing with our spiritual eyes. He believes that when we see with our spiritual eyes, we are truly seeing reality. Instead of reality being something base and degraded, or sad and jaded, he believes that reality is what we would see if we always used our spiritual eyes. It's an interesting way of thinking and sort of a paradigm shift to polar opposites. I will have to think on this idea more and try to use it in my relationships.

And so it goes...

I am back to work now. It's good to get out of the house, but I hate having to get up so early. Taking 3 wks. off to recuperate after my knee surgery was good, but I had a minor life crisis during that time and had a lot of time to think and ponder on the meaning of the universe (lol). Although I seem to have found some peace, it's good to be more busy. Now I am left to wonder about my sanity. Oh well.

My mom was in the hospital for a couple of days. I don't think she will be with us much longer. I had this feeling really hit me a few months ago and I sort of had a panic attack, but now it seems okay. I am so glad she was able to come and stay with us at Christmas. KC started to warm up to her by the time she left. It think it's going to be hard to lose my Mom, but she has wanted to go for several years and now I understand that more. I will miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to her.

I am listening to "Carmen" right now and it just makes me smile, to remember how much FUN that opera was to do. What an amazing experience it is to be in the opera. Plus, having Mike in this one made it all the more amazing. I still pinch myself sometimes, to be sure I am really having this as part of my life. I think I appreciate it more as an older person than if I had done it when I was younger. I envy the young people in the cast, but I don't know if they appreciate their youth, and all that goes along with that. Fabulous voices, beauty, ease in movement, beautiful bodies. Oh to be young again. Maybe in the next life.

It's now almost midnight, so I am heading off to bed and maybe pleasant dreams.

Post knee surgery tan

So, I had the knee surgery last Friday, 3 days ago. I took a bath for the first time,although I have been keeping clean, so no groans from the peanut gallery, and I tried to scrub the betadine prep off of my leg. Dr. Cooley seems to have a testimony of betadine. I can't get it all off, so one leg is a blotchy orange and the other is quite white. So, in order to even them up a little, I put self tanner on my right leg. Now it has that stinky smell to it. It felt good to soak awhile, but I was careful to not submerge my left knee. Not too difficult in our short tub. I hope my knee heals fast and I can get into PT pretty quick. Because I have been sore since lat October/early November, I am really ready to be healed. I had originally set a goal not to have surgery in 2010, but now my goal is to only have this surgery in 2010 and no head injuries or other hospitalizations. Of course, the thyroid check looms on the horizon, sometime this summer, but hopefully it will come back negative. I hope so.

Gotta love KC

Tonight, Dave, Kristen and KC were over for dinner. Afterwards, KC and I were sitting on the couch, reading books. Mostly KC was talking about Cucks (trucks). Several of his books are about cars and trucks. Then, I said, Give me a hug. He gave me a big kiss. You gotta love those open mouth, drooly kisses that 16 month olds give you. There's nothing like them. This was the first time he has done that and he's so darn cute.

I love the Opera

I think I have posted under that title before, but it's true. We start rehearsing in the theater tonight and I am so excited. I still need to really get the words to some of the songs down, but I know all of it. It's just learning the order and the context of the songs to the acting that needs some work. Mike is a "super" and it's been so fun to have him along for the ride. I think it's helped our relationship, too. It will be fun to see him in his pink tights and purple knee length pants and cape. I think he is costumed more fancy than I am. Oh well. My knee is hanging in there. It was so sore after the PA injected it, but the chart says that he only did a partial injection, so I think I was low on fluid in my knee, which is why it felt like bone on bone when I walked. I suspect I have built up synovial fluid and the motrin is helping a lot. I needed a Percocet last night, but I had been at work for 12 hours and we ran the fight scene 4 times at rehearsal, so it was sore and twingy. Today I am working only 8 hours and will be able to be off of my leg for about an hour before I have to go downtown, so it should be okay.
I am also trying to get Christmas put away and organized for next year, but that's mostly going on in my head. I make plans, but when I get home, I am too tired to attempt to implement my ideas, but it will happen. I am hiring a handyman to help finish projects around the house. His name is Mike Sohm and I expect he will be good.

Christmas, family and pain.

We had a really nice Christmas, with the Wilsons and Schapper boys and their wives, plus Mom, at our house for Brunch on Christmas day. It was so fun to see all of them and also to have my kids all together on that day. I didn't ever get the house completelyl decorated, but it looked nice, so that will have to do for this year. I wish we lived closer to the Wilsons. Dave and Shelley are fun to hang out with. They left today, taking Mom with them. She said she had a nice time and was glad she came. I am glad she came, too. Even though the weather and the cold prevented her from going out at all, it was better than her sitting home alone for the holidays.
My knee is quite sore, especially by the end of the day. But, I think I can do the Opera. If I am really careful and don't do too much walking and take my meds on time, it should work. I see the surgeon again today and am planning on letting him know how displeased I was with his PA and his attempt to inject my knee. He ended up injecting it, but then told me he had no idea where the cortisone went and doubted it would work. My question is: Why would he inject something into my joint if he didn't know where it was going and why didn't he get someone else to do it if he couldn't do it? Because he went ahead and injected it, it limits my options for treatment until I can have the surgery, after the opera. It just seems like poor practice and poor patient care on the part of the PA. But, I am still limping along, literally and figuratively. Tonight we start again with rehearsals and go almost daily until the end of the run. It's the slippery slide I have referred to in the past. Wheeeeee!!!!!!

Yucky day

I am feeling really crappy today. My left knee hurts on the inside when I walk, I can't find my wallet, my neck hurts and mostly, my heart is really irregular and I feel breathless and some pressure in my chest. I am also feeling very overwhelmed with Christmas and my house not being decorated, although I am almost finished shopping. Back to my heart thing. In the past, when it has gotten really skippy, I don't take Synthroid for a day or two and that seems to fix it. One of the symptoms of too much thyroid can be an irregular heart. Last week, it was terrible, so I didn't take any Synthroid on Tuesday and Wednesday. By Tuesday night, I could feel a difference. But, since I need thyroid, I started back on Thursday and have felt pretty good, except my knee, since then. But last night it was skipping again a little and today it's bad. I have an appt. with the Ortho guy for my knee tomorrow and got an appt. with the heart guy on Thursday. I probably won't take thyroid tonight, so hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I hope we can get this figured out. But when I feel this way, I get morbid thoughts about dying from heart problems. With my wallet missing today, I am just about ready to go, rather that try to figure out where it could be and if I need to cancel credit cards, etc. It might be less complicated if I just died. At least for me, I guess. But I would miss KC and seeing my kids live their lives, so I guess I need to stay here longer. When I feel this way, I really, really wish I didn't have to work as much as I do. I sometimes think Dana thinks I am joking when I say that this stress is taking years off of my life, but I am not joking. I really feel like the stress is taking a toll on me.

French, opera and me

I have had a couple of days off in a row from my day job, so I am trying to get Carmen memorized. It's so hard. I have studied and studied, but still, it isn't there. The music part of the process isn't hard, but the language...and trying to memorize it....so difficult. But I think my pronunciation is pretty good. I sort of pride myself in having good diction and pronunciation. But I still tend to speak French with a Spanish accent. Who knew that the word "le", which is "lay" in Spanish, is "luh" in French. But the plural, les, is "lez". Why wouldn't it be "luhs". Every morning, I lay in bed with my iPod, listening and singing with the music. But I still need my book. By Monday, I need to be out of the book, but I may be using note cards. That is more acceptable at this point, but then, soon, no note cards, either.

The dregs of my family

Well, I have witnessed the dregs of some of my family members. And all over a stupid rivalry between two universities and their football teams. The thing that hurts me is that somehow, according to some family members, I have personally taken all of the fun out of the rivalry for them and I am a bad example to my own children. I think it is interesting how some people can side-step any responsibility and push blame onto others. And how they don't have sense enough to stop before they say hurtful things. I am also guilty of this, but I really try to consider my words before hitting the send button. In the past two weeks I have been told that I am immature, told that I am a poor example, preached to in the name of President Monson and been told that I am ruining relationships in my extended family. I guess I am really a bad person. I suppose I should be proud that I have so much power over the lives of others, but somehow, I think I am related to some immature and arrogant people. Sometimes I wish I didn't live in Utah. I was told at work today that I am such nice lady and how much this person likes to work with me. And on facebook, one of my own relatives tells me that I have attacked his brother personally, called him names on facebook walls and made fun of him behind his back, none of which is true. None of it. So, polar opposite evaluations from people on the same day. Wow, what a day. I think I will listen to Carmen and go to bed. :(

Update

I am hearing that everyone is worried because I am depressed. It's weird, because I don't feel depressed, just act that way. So, maybe I am not depressed, just lazy. I have decided that Facebook games are a tool of the Devil. I waste hours in front of the computer, playing stupid games. There is a social aspect to them, especially games like Farmtown and Farmville. I talk to my friends at work about our farms and cafes. But, today, I am just wasting time. I need to read the flylady postings more and facebook less. Or, I need to practice self-control and just step away from the computer. So...on that note, I am going to take a shower, get dressed to the shoes, eat lunch and make a list of what I need to get done today. LIke practicing Carmen. P.S. I love that I have learned to put cute borders on my blog site.

It's official

It's official. I have figured out what is wrong with me. I am depressed, despite taking antidepressants for years. My house is a mess, I have unfinished projects all over the place, my car is filthy, the yard is slowly dwindling into a state of shabbiness and I just want to stay in bed or be on the computer, on facebook, playing games. It's my 55th birthday and I feel like my life is close to worthless. My contact lenses bug me, I have back pain and neck pain that won't go away and I can't seem to figure out how to get out of this huge mess. So I retreat into bed or the computer. See, here i am, instead of getting dressed and getting SOMTHING done before the football game, I am on the computer. So, now I am going to take a hot bath and try to pull myself together for a few hours. I keep saying I need some time off from work, but on my days off, I just sleep in and do nothing, so I might as well go to work and make some money. If anyone wants to help a middle-aged, overweight woman try to pull her life back together, email me.

Macbeth is over:(

It's over! Today was the last performance and while I won't miss climbing up and down the stairs for awhile, I will miss the music and the association with the cast. It was a fun experience, even the 10 lb. witch costume. But, Carmen rehearsals start on Nov. 2nd, so I won't have much time off. I will get some photos online soon.

A Rant

I am going to rant, because this is my page and no one else's and because I can vent here, because hardly anyone reads my blogs. I am SO SICK AND TIRED of people saying rude things about other people, politicians, schools and things they don't know anything about!!!!! Tori says I need to let it go and I am sure that's true. It's harder for me to do that since I hit my head. I don't know if it's my age or the head injury, but I am so tired of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Chris Hannity and the other media showmen who are quoted by people I know on facebook. I have a friend, whom I will call Bill (because that's his name), who loves to make stupid remarks about things he knows little about, just to get it out there for people to comment on. Most of his friends say stuff like, You said it, Bill, or You're right about that, Bill. I often don't agree with him and so I say so. OMG! * He is nasty when contradicted. And when confronted with facts, he just changes the topic. It's like trying to have a discussion with Jehovah's Witnesses. Or trying to herd cats. Mostly, I am starting to think that his ego likes being stroked by people who agree with him and he can't take it when someone else has something half way intelligent to say to the contrary. I accused him of like to hear himself talk. Now I just don't read anything that he says. I probably will "unfriend" him. It's too bad, because I enjoy a good political conversation, and I don't need everyone to agree with me.
Now my nephew, Jordan, is saying stupid things like "the U is gay." GAY??? How ignorant sounding is that? He says he isn't calling anyone names, just the school. I question the education that people are getting down at BYU. There's nothing wrong with saying that he hopes they beat us in football this year, or that our team isn't very good, but GAY???? What does that even mean? Since I have some gay friends, it is offensive and ignorant for him to say stupid things like that. It only reflects poorly on him. The other day, Tori said something about something being gay. I said that is a very "Utah" thing to say and she might offend some of her gay friends by saying that. She said she didn't mean anything by it, but I hope she won't say it again.
So, I think I have most of it out of my system, at least for today. If anyone reads this and has a comment, feel free. I won't bite your head off and if you want to discuss politics or if you don't like my team, that's ok. Just don't say stupid, rude, narrow-minded things, or I will delete your comments.

*OMG- Mormon OMG means Oh My Gosh!

Macbetto

My intention was to regularly post my thought, feelings, etc. during the course of putting together Macbeth. I sort of dropped out of writing, because it's easier to post on facebook. My bad. Tonight is the next to the last night of the production. There have been some bumps along the way, but I now can trip lightly up the stairs, stir the pot and sing at the same time, without getting too out of breath. The cast party was last Saturday night and was at the New Yorker. It was a good venue for that many people and the food was yummy. I am getting better at the cast Party thing. The first few were really awkward, because I was so in awe of everyone. Plus, I think that performers are often shy people when not performing. It's hard to make small talk when you are used to having a script of what to say and do.
I also wanted to write about my feelings about the "house". I love the feeling of security that overtakes me as I walk down the sidewalk to the stage door. It is a feeling of calm and safety. When I go through the door, I usually smile at the security guard sitting in the booth, then down the stairs and sign in at the board. People are usually scurrying around and you hear singers warming up, but it's okay. I just feel so safe there, because I know that I have done all the work and now I know what I am supposed to do, along with everyone else. We have dressers and hairstylists to help us look right, someone has done my laundry and it is sitting at my chair along with my costume, ready for me to put on. There is a list of what I wear in each act taped to the mirror. Dressers are there to zip me up, help me with the costume and be sure I look right. The wig people make my hair look right and I do my own makeup, but even then, we have been told how to do it. It's a secure world, with no worries. By the time we are into the performances, I know my lines inside out, so there are no concerns there. It's just a lovely feeling and I love the experience of having that safety in my life.
One of the challenges that I think we all have it to keep the show "fresh". Susanne reminds us often, especially after opening night, that it is new to our audience, every night. We may have done it 4 or 5 times, but it is new to the people who paid to see the show. I try to remember that every night when I am standing backstage during the overature, waiting for the curtain to rise. I think everyone in the show tries to do their best each time.
I am always amazed at the process of making an opera, starting with picking up the score, laying in my bed, marking where I sing and trying to learn the words, then putting the words to the music. Next comes the rehearsals at the Practice Studio, with Susanne, and the difficulty of learning and memorizing. Next is fitting in the Costume Shop. That's when I first see how I am going to look, sort of. Then, Maestro comes and we practice with him. Next, the stage director starts telling us where he/she wants us to be and how to act. We try to figure it out, based on tape on the floor in the PS. Finally, we are in the "house" and on the set and trying to figure out how the staging we learned on a flat floor fits into the often multi-level set. Then, we start rehearsing with the orchestra and see how that sounds so much different from the piano that we have been practicing with. Dress rehearsals are next, with a small audience on Wednesday and a larger one on Thursday. Then a day off, and then, Saturday....Opening night. It's so fun!

More opera thoughts

Wednesday night was our first staging rehearsal. I enjoy working with Stephanie Sundine. She is firm but also really nice. And she isn't intimidated by Maestro. Anyway, she wants us to be "weird" as witches. We have to bend at the knees and walk sort of bent over, waving our hands wildly. And sing. I have some sore muscles, but have been doing pliés everynight to strengthen my legs. And we saw the set and got to walk on it, and the stairs are higher than normal steps, so it is going to be a challenge to run up and down the stairs and sing, too. It will be fun to do and weird to watch, but a lot of work, too. Then, Thursday night was the banquet scene staging. Much more sedate. They have some sort of cool prop throne for Macbeth, in which the ghost of Banco can appear and disappear as needed. I can't wait to see it. Now if only I could remember the words to sing while acting. More practice.
Tomorrow is the mega rehearsal. 2-5 and 7-10, That;s right, 2 rehearsals in one day. We did that with "Grapes of Wrath" on a Sunday, too. By the end of the day, we are all exhausted. I will need to take some Motrin before we start so that I don't get too stiff. Then, in a week, we are in the house, on stage. It's coming fast.